I don’t know when it started, the compelling need to embellish everything.
Could have been when I was 6 and realized that big dramatic gestures and a skillfully-told story got me attention. Could have been during the “drama years” in high school when I got on the stage. Could have been any point between birth and when I started therapy for my lying issue.
I am a recovering compulsive liar.
It’s ugly. It’s horrifying to say this out loud. Saying it out loud to the void that is the internet is terrifying. I don’t know who’s going to read this. I don’t know who’s going to remember things I said to them and wonder if they were true. I know that I have hurt a lot of people, pushed a lot of people away and destroyed a pretty important relationship with this issue.
I ran roughshod over my own life and painted a pretty (and sloppy) picture to cover the hurt I had inside. I was a mess. You wouldn’t have been able to tell, because I kept up a halfway decent front. I was a good mom. I was a nice person. I just was a full-on Monet if you got too close.
I have to come clean though. It’s necessary to step over this problem, now that I’ve reduced it to a pebble rather than a mountain, and move forward.
I’m lucky to have found someone to help me a few years ago. I was a broken mess. I could not function. I think I had one friend who stuck with me through this whole mess. I pushed people away, I hid, I was awful. I built a huge walls of half-truths, false fronts, and just straight up lies. I didn’t want anybody close to me because I was wrestling with the idea that my hell was one of my own making.
I’m heartbroken that I hurt a lot of people, some dear to me, while I was painting my fantasy world. In my quest to protect myself, I was breaking other people and that’s not ok. I slashed and burned a lot while I was trying to build my giant fort walls around myself.
I also really enjoy metaphors. Ahem.
I thank God every day that I got the help I did. That people, circumstances and opportunities aligned to help me see my issue, come to grips with it and let it go. It was a long and really tedious process, one minute at a time, then an hour at a time, then a day at a time. One foot in front of the other. You fall, you get back up.
It got heavy, carrying this around with me for so long. I’m glad to let it go.
Going forward from here, the blog is going to change just ever so slightly. We will still have car posts, running posts, travel posts, and food posts. But we will have some more “be a better you” type posts, because honestly, that’s what I like to talk about: how to live your truth and be your imperfect self in a world that seems to emphasize how perfect you SHOULD be.
Go be awesome today.